Dearest M: A confessional


I recently came across this letter, and the content fascinated me. There is a lot to unpack in this letter, shared between a man to a woman, who had been life long friends. It’s sort of like a dear John letter with a twist. As I reproduced it for this post, I chose to only use the first letter of their names for my own reasons. Tell me what you think my readers.

Dearest M,

As I look out my window and reflect on my life, I recognize the end of my journey is fast approaching. As I do so, I feel compelled to pen this letter to you as both a confessional and a form of healing. Please accept it in the love it is shared, but at the same time, don’t feel you have to do anything but continue to be there as my …dare I say… best friend! I remembered when we met in collage. You told me you were in love with me as a high school freshman. When you told me that,  I did what I usually do when faced with an uncomfortable situation. I ignored it. Not because of you, or who you were, but because at that time,  I was not used to a woman being so honest and open in expressing such feelings to me. Even then, I understood, that this wasn’t a pick up line or an invitation to carnal intervention. It was a genuine confession, of which I didn’t have a ready made answer to. I couldn’t respond to that confession for two reasons. The first was that as freshmen in high school, you were actually invisible to me. The second reason I will explain why at the end of the letter. And at the end of this letter, this explanation will sum up some of the things I do today when it comes to you. Fast forward, years later, in meeting you at that concert in the park, seeing you with two young children, I didn’t know what to say or how to feel, except be happy for you. Both of us were married and both of us had two children at the time. I did think though, whoever your husband was, he was a fortunate man. Till this day, I still think he was fortunate. Only he didn’t think so and him leaving you for another woman was a choice I know he regrets till this day. Then again, maybe I am like him, in not appreciating what was in front of me. It happens like that sometimes when genuinely good people are taken for granted. You being taken for granted is not and never should be a problem for you. Its for the rest of us, untrained heathens, with little appreciation for the beautiful soul that you are. I am extremely happy we remained friends and I have always felt the genuine friendship and love you gave to me. After my wife and I broke up, you remained a true friend. Even when we both realized she was jealous of our friendship. It was inevitable that she and I broke up, because her insecurity was too much to bear. And it was wonderful how you were there to pick me up, even enduring your own pain as a woman wronged, you still gave love to others in distress. This is a super hero power you have that will forever leave a strong impression on me. Over the past 10 years, as I wasted four of those years on two useless women, you were still there for me, offering support and encouragement and caring after my welfare. It was just recently the light bulb went off and I realize there was a compatibility between us that should have been mined and nourished. Unfortunately, I now know, why this was never to happen. You see my dear, I could have never been a good partner to you. I realize I lead a life of turmoil. Even as a high school freshman. This was why you were invisible to me in the beginning. Dearest M, water finds its own level, and you just didn’t have enough turmoil around you to attract me. You just was not messy enough and unconsciously I was drawn to messy  women. It was the same in college up until now. I realized after a while, I was used to picking up stray dogs, in the form of damaged women. Women who’s own tumultuous lives, rivaled mine. What made it even more challenging, is after a broken marriage and two messed relationships, one with a cheater and the other with a lunatic, I have concluded that one can add emotionally broken to the other mess that is my life. Over the last couple of years, as I began to see you in a different light, I thought about how we would look as a couple. But I was scared. Not scared of knowing whether or not I was your type, but scared I couldn’t manage the lofty pedestal I placed you on. You see M, I love you not in the way portrayed on the big screen. All extravagantly passion filled, wildly romantic and stuff like that. My love will always be one of quiet steadiness, family oriented, and a provider, who would always be there through thick or thin. In other words boring. But my love for you will forever be unrequited and unfulfilled, because I am an emotionally broken man, and the only thing I could introduce into your life is my turmoil. I know I have been sending you confusing signals lately. Cryptic, yet blatant. I don’t want to play with you like that anymore, because you don’t deserve that. I respect and cherish our friendship and fear jeopardizing it by wanting more than perhaps you can ever give. Or should be asked to give. This is not just a confession to you, but a sort of catharsis for me, as I watch my life’s journey come closer to the end. I have accepted the fact I will die alone. As we all do. But, by that statement, I mean am accepting of the fact that I will die with nobody by my side to hold my hand. And I am good with that. I conclude this letter by asking you not to worry about me. You are you and you can’t help yourself worrying about people close to you. I wanted to write this letter to you, to say I am sorry I wasn’t a better friend to you. I feel that I took more than I gave in this relationship. I am sorry, for sending you mixed signals. And I am sorry I wasn’t strong enough to heal myself so I could be the friend I imagine I should have been to you. Please know that I love you, cherish you and above all, respect you to no end.

Love for ever, your friend

P