I have always maintained that in this day and age we cannot call on ignorance anymore for the low level of existence where we are. Over the course of the African Hellacaust, the Ma’afa, we have devolved from Africans to slaves, to niggers, coons, negros, colored, black and now niggas. We have even called ourselves, 2 parts Spanish, 1 quart dutch, 2/25th Portuguese, 1/2 Swedish 2/3rd Jewish, Jamaican, American, Trinidadians etc, hell we have even called ourselves white (check out most knee-grows who speak Spanish) but we have rarely and with little conviction, except for those who are actually LIVING and in possession of free thinking, reclaimed the generic name of Africa. Is it no wonder then that how the hue man and woman interact with each other is based on fear and loathing of ourselves? If we hate ourselves as individuals, ourselves as a collective, how then can we see ourselves as love interests?
Are we the coons and bafoons we play for the mirth of the Caucasians?
We become confused as to how to act. How to behave when in public and even when alone.
Our only recourse is to turn to the ONLY one who can cure us of our dysfunction….
Niggers aint shit! I hate black bitches, I am a bitch, black people can’t do nothing for me… etc, etc.
Our children hear this, are conditioned in our homes and are insperiencing this, it is reinforced by tel-lie-vision and the public fool shitstym. We tune in to African male bashers like Oprah and closeted homosexuals like Donahue, Maury and Jerry, read psychological bullshit like the feminine mystic, think like a man and is marriage only for white people…thousands of tomes and diarrhetic defecation, pointing to the symptoms, but rarely the cause and like the medical drug pushers, seeking to treat the symptoms but not the cause. We affix blame to each other, but are in a quandary because our natural instincts as hue man is to enter into a relationship in order to perpetuate our selves as a species. This natural instinct runs smack dab against the social conditioning from White Supremacy. So the self hatred our home life conditions us towards, is augmented by the White Supremacist structure and we enter into a relationship five step behind. Chris Rock in his movie, I love my wife, said something to the effect that every marriage breakdown occurs 1/2 way into the relationship, however, I believe it starts with our inability or refusal to embark on this journey for anything but a superficial reasons.
When the dish has few seasoning:
As the male and female becomes increasingly confused about our gender roles and the nature of man-woman, we substitute the spiritual essence and metaphysical reason for our union for trivial and valueless ones. In known the price of everything and the value of nothing, Knee-grows lie to themselves and to their perspective compliment about what they see in each other and what they want from each other. Yes on the surface, we instinctively want to procreate in order to continue ourselves, but we also want the pleasures of sex without the responsibility, morality and integrity that is supposed to come along with it. We seek and embrace the social acceptance and normalcy of being in a relationship, and we want to satisfy our urges to feel wanted. Everything is geared to pleasing someone outside of ourselves above our spiritual needs first. This is why numerous statistics….yes i am aware of the refrain, lies, damn lies and statistics,… but the numbers do show that roughly one year after the honeymoon ends, the true marriage begins and that’s often when the sea becomes choppy.
Many couples are devastated when their expectations are unmet, and when unexpected and competing marriage “contracts” threaten their previous domestic bliss. The marriage contract is a set of both conscious and unconscious expectations we hold for ourselves and for others about fulfilling the roles of “wife”, “husband”, “lover” etc. Not until we are deep inside the relationship do we discover what we really mean by “married”.
Let’s get one thing straight. The ultimate purpose of a male- female union is procreation. As a sign of building on procreativity, we show our committment to that purpose by celebrating with the community, our choice in that purpose. This is the basis of marriage… of a union that was laid out by the ancestors to fulfil the journey of celebrating our unique place in nature. Marriage AS A WESTERN CONCEPT, sits stradling a fence of either excess or avoidance. I have been disparging of marriage but until recently never over stood that my views was based on the European model. Once I saw it from a different first world model then my overstanding of marriage developed depth. Still while in the European model couples are misleading each other and themselves unconsciously.
“During the bonding stages in marriage and courtship, part of the natural idealization of the partner includes embedding in our love relationship all of our unconscious hopes and dreams for the resolution of all our previously unmet needs “ Ahh…now I will finally be loved perfectly by the one who is perfect for me”. Nearly everyone who has the courage to fall in love believes and hopes for perfect love. Often that hope lies beneath our awareness, and evokes a quiet disappointment that builds over time as we work to maintain our belief that our lover is perfect for us. This hope is created by a deep desire that all our deepest wounds and fears of inadequacy will be healed. During the honeymoon phase we are willing to forgive a temporary lapse in our loved one. To some extent, elements of merger and emotional fusion in early marriage are inevitable and normal as part of the early enchantment of love. But well into the marriage, we have to face that some of these lapses are not temporary and that awakens our fears that we might not have secured the perfect, reliable and endless love sufficient to meet our appetite!”
—From an article titled the stages of Marriage.
Stages of Marriage
Most experts agree that marriage (and other long-term) relationships tend to evolve in common stages:
Romance or Honeymoon stage – when it becomes one big sex and fun and happiness.
Reality Stage – when the honeymoon period ends and we have to deal with regular shit.
childbearing Sub-Stage – This is when the proverbial shit hits the fan. Fun and other honeymoon things are a distant memory. We are now dealing with vulnerable entities that force us to expand our interest in to areas we can never ever prepare for but to learn as we go along.
Accommodation Stage – At this stage, if we are willing and humble, we strive to work to renew the stale relationship on a down-to-earth basis by learning about our needs and managing our differences. We learn not to run from areas of conflict, but to try and find a common ground of over standing.
Transformation or Success Stage – This for the couples have enjoyed the benefits of a marriage that satisfies their needs and provides mutual support. This leads to more profound intimacy over the years as the couple shares the experience of ups and downs. They work to keep it that way. But this is predicated on TWO things. Communication that is constant and consistent, and knowing our individual needs, wants, fears, weakness and desires, as well as being over standing of those of our compliment.
It is very important that when one enters into a relationship, one does so from a position of confidence in self and a belief that as a long term project, this relationship requires daily attentiveness and nurturing. The self confidence is developed ONLY after we learn to ditch past baggaes. But what happens when we don’t even enter into the European model of marriage? Many are skipping the process, because subconsciously they felt that this is a sinking ship that society has given them a ticket on. Even so called starter marriages are being bypassed and people are going straight to “shacking up”. But whether you enter marriage or you cohabitate in a common law relationship, or even drop in now and then for a little “nookie”, the question begs to be asked…how are we relating to each other? In what context?, for what purpose?, and what results are we expecting?
African people, even on the continent have forgotten their stories. They/we have forgotten the tales of accountability and purpose. The imperial incursion from when Kimit was a failing dynasty pulled us away from our god self. Yes our GOD SELF! Not god in the stupid sence people create where an omnipotent OTHER makes dictatorial proclamations and gives dire warnings about death and destruction or bounties and love. I am talking about the GODNESS we USED TO posses in our DNA, that has wethered and died…because we forgot whence we came. Imprinted in the Hue man’s DNA are the codes that align us with the dark matter out THERE. The dark matter NASA says is on it’s way to us. It is coded in our cells because each cell in our system, our innerverse, is a mini solar system with it’s own sun that draws energy from the electric sun in the outerverse. This is metaphysics. This is over standing that we are connected to things much greater than we know, yet when we disparage each other, when we attack each other, we move farther away from our god self and come closer to death.
When a fight happens.
I often hear folks in the conscious community and even some band wagoners, proclaim passionately how we were kings in Africa. It makes a brother shout “shit! Africa never had farmers? We never had crafts men, or even architects?” We get so caught up in the hype of a romanticized African glory, we either forget or chose to ignore that most of our story was about ordinary people doing extra ordinary things. We forget or chose to ignore that of the greatest attribute that Africa had was our humaneness to ourselves and to others. Today we are willing to extend that humaneness to others which is good, but not to each other, which is terrible. A simple disagreement ends up and blows up into something Fox news salivates on. We have made our discord into a lucrative industry for Caucasian entertainment as well as entertainment for every one else…including ourselves. Can some one say car wreck? in any relationship it’s important that we know how to handle and navigate in and around the pitfalls of disagreements that often turns into a full blown argument. Instead of running from the issue, refusing to discuss it or use the old get back atcha ( withholding sex, money or using the children as side line judges), it doesn’t negate the fact that you eventually have to deal with the issues or its consequences. Somewhere between the heart and the brain, we forgot how to handle our business like grown folks, forget that we have to talk it out with one another and maintain civility and control.
Earlier I mentioned baggages. These are the kind of past issues that impedes any progress in a relationship. because of our home conditioning, because of our follow up, enabling friends, family members or the values of a dysfunctional society, we become self saboteurs of our own happiness. The sabotage occurs when we have been mistreated in past relationships or we think so little of ourselves, that when we meet a good woman or man we find faults that often are not so much theirs, as it is our own high/low expectations coupled with the negative baggage from the past.
In the martial sciences, one of the things I learned was that the body often move from a place of discomfort to a place of comfort. Thus we reasoned, we could manipulate an opponent in such a fashion that they end up moving or arriving in a place or position we want them to appear. This is the push pull principle that formed the basis of the throwing, grappling form of the martial science. Picture the joint locks of Jiu Jitsu or Aikido and how the manipulated attacker is forced to move in a way that allows the defender to be in control. In the striking part of the martial science, the old jab counter, left, right combo is based on moving the body to a place where the puncher can best maximize his follow up or counter punches. Likewise we psychologically or emotionally shy away from pain, the memories of pain, or the fear of pain, by going to a place where we are familiar or comfortable. This place is sometimes not a positive place, but just a place we are USE TO. The familiar makes us comfortable. This is the human adapting to familiar situation at hand. However, we often do this to ourselves as much as an abuser does it to us. Keep in mind while physical pain has memories, it is the emotional and psychological pain that is most sever and often cause us to do and say things that is harmful to us and our relationship with each other. It is the emotional and psychological baggages of the past that blinds us to the realities of the present and prevents us from ever arriving at the future. We allow the past to control our present and future relationship, because we are seeking a comfortable and familiar place. If we are used to being hurt by a dysfunctional relationship that has been torn asunder, SEEN or HEARD of a friend or family member experiencing similar pain, we take that on and make it part of our expectations and create an unnecessary and often negative defence around it. This has a lot to do with our sense of self worth, low expectation of the relationship and our compliment in the relationship, so we end up sabotaging it at some point. To paraphrase the saying “Whether you think you can or can’t…you are right” , we realized that there are people who believe bad thing will happen in their relationship and there are those who think good things will happen in their relationship and in each case they are both right. They are both right because they will work towards that end. Then when that end is achieved we pat our selves on the back for having the foresight to see the event happening and feel justified in our preparation for its inevitability
Below some words from sister Maya Angelo that should sum up how we should live our lives when relating with others”
The thrill is gone